How BoJo Saved Blighty

Well cripes, it was quite an adventure. Where to start? Ah yes, I remember now: one day, jolly, pudgy, mop-haired BoJo was on his way to a meeting of the Big Blue Gang when he had an idea. 'I know,' he thought, 'let's not use the big playground any more!' That sounded like a jolly good lark and his friend 'Mental' Micky agreed and so they went here and and they went there standing on boxes and saying things to persuade people. BoJo enjoyed talking to people because they all cheered him and called him a legend and said 'good old BoJo, he won't let us down' which made him feel warm and happy.

But then they had a vote of all the children and they voted to leave the big playground. BoJo was confused.  That wasn't the plan at all. The plan was just to go here and to go there and to stand on boxes and have people cheer him and say 'good old BoJo, he won't let us down' not actually do the actual thing he was actually asking them to do. 'Cripes,' thought BoJo. 'Does no one understand rhetoric any more? What happened to a classical education? O tempora, o mores,' he mused.

But old friend, 'Stinky' Dave, who BoJo thought was a bit of a dur, decided to give up being Captain of the Big Blue Gang and BoJo thought, 'hullo, I'd like to do that' because, quick as a flash, he realised it had opportunities for going here and going there and standing on boxes and have people cheer him and say 'good old BoJo, he won't let us down'. So when some of the gang came to him and asked him to be the next Captain, he said 'rather!' and he said it very loud and people laughed.

It took quite a long time for 'Stinky' Dave to pack up his things and in the meantime other gangs got bored and they stopped swapping conkers with the Big Blues and rarely, if ever, came to play. And life got a bit boring and people couldn't afford stickers for their albums or sweets for their pockets or coloured laces for their shoes. And the children got a bit nervous and thought maybe the big playground wasn't so bad after all.

So the day came when BoJo got to be Captain. It was a lovely day, he got to stand on a box and people cheered and most of them said 'good old BoJo, he won't let us down', except Nasty Nigel who was busy having a piss in the Big Playground.

BoJo saw that people weren't happy. They weren't cheering as loud as they did before. In fact he thought he heard some people booing. And BoJo didn't like that one little bit! So he got his chums together and together they had a plan, which BoJo didn't like, because he thought plans for for girls, but 'Mental' Micky made him promise and he thought, why not? Sounds like a lark.

'When we said we don't like the Big Playground,' said BoJo standing on a box the next day, 'we meant that it's a bit far away and it smells funny -' (Nasty Nigel smiled a shy smile at this.) '- and sometimes we have to play by other people's rules and children from other gangs get to play in our tree house which is weird'. People cheered and agreed.

'But I'll tell you something else about the Big Playground: some of the other children are quite funny when you get to know them and it's a very good place to swap conkers - and I LOVE swapping conkers!' said BoJo. And people cheered and agreed except Nasty Nigel, who needed a wee.

'So let's make this all above board and clear,' he said, 'It doesn't feel quite right at the moment and I think maybe we want to stay in the Big Playground after all, so let's have a vote for Best Gang. If you think the Big Blue Gang is best vote for us and we'll stay in. If you really want to leave the Big Playground, vote for Nasty Nigel and his Little Wee Gang.' Everybody laughed, because it was actually called the Wee Little Gang.

And the children were relieved and they voted and the Big Blue Gang did well and Nasty Nigel's Wee Little Gang didn't do quite so well and everyone stayed in the Big Playground after all butNasty Nigel was made to clean it up first.

And BoJo went here and he went there and he stood of boxes and people cheered and they all agreed 'good old BoJo, he won't let us down'. And BoJo didn't really understand what he'd done but he liked the cheers and that, my friends, is how BoJo saved Blighty.